How Grief Works — and Why It Rarely Follows the Stages We Expect

The Five Stages — What They Were and Were Not Meant to Be

In 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced five stages of grief — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance — in her landmark book On Death and Dying. The model was built from her interviews with terminally ill patients processing their own impending deaths, not from systematic study of bereaved people mourning a loss.

Over the following decades, the five stages entered popular culture as a near-universal template for how people should grieve. This created a persistent misconception: that grief is orderly, sequential, and predictable. Grief researchers have since found little evidence supporting the idea that most people experience these stages in the described order — or at all. A widely cited study published in Psychological Science found that acceptance was the dominant emotion for many bereaved individuals even from the earliest weeks of loss.

Understanding this distinction matters because believing there is a "right" way to grieve can cause people to judge their own responses harshly, or feel confused when their grief does not match expectations.

What Grief Actually Looks Like

Contemporary grief research describes grief less as a series of stages and more as an oscillating, nonlinear process. The Dual Process Model, developed by researchers Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut, proposes that grieving people move back and forth between two orientations: confronting the pain of the loss and attending to the practical demands and adjustments of life without the person or thing they lost.

In practice, this means a bereaved person might cry at breakfast, laugh with a friend at lunch, and feel a wave of profound sadness again by evening — all in a single day. Grief does not progress neatly from darkness toward light. It often arrives in waves, sometimes triggered by sensory details as specific as a familiar song or a particular smell.

The emotions involved are also far more varied than the five-stage model implies. Alongside sadness, people commonly report anger, guilt, relief, anxiety, longing, numbness, and even gratitude. All of these responses can coexist and are recognized as normal parts of the grieving experience.

Why Culture, Relationship, and Type of Loss Matter

No two grief experiences are identical, in part because so many variables shape how a person mourns. The nature of the relationship to the person lost, the circumstances of the death (sudden versus expected, traumatic versus peaceful), the griever's own mental health history, their cultural background, and the support systems available to them all influence the process.

Cultural norms dictate whether grief is expressed publicly or privately, how long mourning periods are expected to last, and which rituals accompany loss. In some traditions, communal mourning is central to healing; in others, stoic privacy is the norm. Neither approach is inherently healthier — what matters is whether the individual feels their grief is being honored in a way that fits their values and needs.

Disenfranchised grief — grief that is not openly acknowledged or socially supported, such as the loss of a pet, a pregnancy, or an estranged family member — can be particularly isolating. Recognizing these losses as legitimate is an important step toward reducing stigma around mental and emotional health.

“Grief is the price we pay for love. The pain of grief is just as much a part of life as the joy of love; it is, perhaps, the price we pay for love.”

— Colin Murray Parkes, Psychiatrist and pioneering bereavement researcher

Finding Support and Moving Forward

Moving forward after loss does not mean forgetting, "getting over it," or reaching a final state of acceptance. For most people, it means gradually finding ways to carry the loss while re-engaging with life. Grief researchers sometimes call this process continuing bonds — maintaining an ongoing internal relationship with what was lost while adapting to a changed world.

Support looks different for different people. Some find comfort in grief support groups or therapy; others lean on close friends and family, spiritual communities, or personal rituals. There is no hierarchy of valid coping strategies, provided they do not cause harm.

If grief is severely impairing daily functioning, or if thoughts of self-harm arise, professional help is strongly encouraged. A licensed therapist, psychologist, or counselor with experience in bereavement can offer evidence-based approaches such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) or specialized grief-focused therapies.

This article is for general informational and educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you or someone you know is struggling, please consult a qualified mental health professional.